1. The best excuses are true, even if they're only pretexts for something you've already decided to do. A lie can be disproved; the truth can not.
2. Whenever possible, use an excuse that is a sign of openness rather than indicating a wish to conceal the truth. (Example: "I know you; but, for the moment, I have a mental block and can't think of your name. Does that ever happen to you?" You know it does.)
3. Use an excuse to which your listener can personally relate. (Example: "I'm sorry I'm late. It seems that everywhere I went I had to stand in long lines and wait. Have you ever had one of those days?" You know they have.)
4. Use an excuse that improves your image. (Example: You're late for work because, "I woke up feeling pretty bad. I almost called in and said I couldn't make it today, but I didn't want to miss work.")
5. Power through powerlessness. Your excuse doesn't have to be excusable if you claim it was the result of a decision made by someone "higher up" on the food chain, or if you claim that in some other way it was out of your hands. (Example: An organization representing state government employees asked a legislator running for re-election if she favored wage increases for state employees. She said that she supported wage increases "within budgetary restraints." Translation: "I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't; but give me credit and votes for having my heart in the right place.")
6. Learn to think in a more organized manner. In so doing, learn to recognize faulty reasoning (our appendix on faulty reasoning is presently under construction.) Since contrived excuses tend to use faulty reasoning, this will help you recognize excuses when others use them. Additionally, since most people don't think in an organized manner, knowing how to do so yourself will help to improve your own excuse skills. You'll know which lines of faulty reasoning others will accept.
7. Allow the person to whom you're making excuses to make excuses for you. If you're two hours late coming home because you're shopping for a surprise anniversary present, you spouse in your absence by be trying to sort things out in his/her mind in order to satisfy himself/herself as to what has detained you. If so, when you come in, she/he might ask you something like, "What kept you? Did you have to work late again?" You might respond remorsefully, "I sure did. I didn't finish, but I finally just said, 'I'm going home; I've got a wife/husband, you know. I guess I'll have to stay late again tomorrow and finish.'"
8. Have a good excuse carefully prepared and be prepared to answer questions if asked, but allow your answers to be no more brief or wordy than your normal conversation. If they have to be one or the other, it's better to be too brief than too wordy. A poorly given excuse is usually exposed because it strives to sound believable.
9. If you have doubts about your excuse-making skills, look at the space between your listener's eyes. He'll think you're looking him straight in the eye when you give your excuse, and this will encourage him to think you're being sincere.
10. If your excuse is a lie, make an effort to believe your own excuse, at least while you're telling it. This will make you look more sincere. For those of you who remember the Iran-Contra congressional hearings, that's how Oliver North got away with lying to Congress as long as he did, even though congressmen are professionals at that sort of lying.
11. If, in spite of your efforts, there are still holes in your excuse, mention these discrepancies before your listener does, but only if you're excusing on the basis of "events beyond your control." If you raise your listener's doubts before they occur even to him, you can profess yourself as baffled by the explanation as he is.
12. Know which excuses to use rarely or just once. Good excuses, like drugs, can be abused through overuse. Thus abused, they can become harmful—mainly to you.
13. Studies have shown that most people spend most of their time in a state of non-thought, during which they are prone to accept statements or arguments that have a seemingly reasonable structure even if the statements or arguments are completely unreasonable. That is, if the statement is structurally similar to a reasonable statement, it's likely to be accepted as a reasonable statement. This knowledge may be useful to you when you have to make an excuse on a minor matter. (Example: Someone says to you, "I didn't see you in church yesterday," and you reply, "Well, you know how it is." Since most people want to be agreeable, they will usually respond by agreeing with that remark rather than realizing that you didn't actually respond to their implied question.)
14. Avoid using words that tend to trigger suspicion. (Example: "I can explain everything," which implies that there's something to explain.) In a section that is still under construction, we'll provide a more complete listing of trigger words.)
15. Keep it simple. A complicated excuse is more likely to be challenged.
16. Insure that your excuse can not be checked for flaws. Your excuse must pass the test of time. If you're the indolent person we think you are, you'll need the credibility. For example, if you're 45 minutes late getting home, and you've been somewhere you shouldn't have been, don't say, "There was a bad wreck that held up traffic." One call to the Highway Patrol and your cover will be blown.
17. Some excuses can be masked with humor; but use caution. If humor is not appropriate, it will only antagonize your listener. When a reporter asked President Kennedy about a discrepancy between one set of figures and another given by his administration, he looked at the figures and explained most of the differences. When the reporter told him there was still a discrepancy of $4 billion, Kennedy asked him, "Do you want it to the penny?"
11. If, in spite of your efforts, there are still holes in your excuse, mention these discrepancies before your listener does, but only if you're excusing on the basis of "events beyond your control." If you raise your listener's doubts before they occur even to him, you can profess yourself as baffled by the explanation as he is.
12. Know which excuses to use rarely or just once. Good excuses, like drugs, can be abused through overuse. Thus abused, they can become harmful—mainly to you.
13. Studies have shown that most people spend most of their time in a state of non-thought, during which they are prone to accept statements or arguments that have a seemingly reasonable structure even if the statements or arguments are completely unreasonable. That is, if the statement is structurally similar to a reasonable statement, it's likely to be accepted as a reasonable statement. This knowledge may be useful to you when you have to make an excuse on a minor matter. (Example: Someone says to you, "I didn't see you in church yesterday," and you reply, "Well, you know how it is." Since most people want to be agreeable, they will usually respond by agreeing with that remark rather than realizing that you didn't actually respond to their implied question.)
14. Avoid using words that tend to trigger suspicion. (Example: "I can explain everything," which implies that there's something to explain.) In a section that is still under construction, we'll provide a more complete listing of trigger words.)
15. Keep it simple. A complicated excuse is more likely to be challenged.
16. Insure that your excuse can not be checked for flaws. Your excuse must pass the test of time. If you're the indolent person we think you are, you'll need the credibility. For example, if you're 45 minutes late getting home, and you've been somewhere you shouldn't have been, don't say, "There was a bad wreck that held up traffic." One call to the Highway Patrol and your cover will be blown.
17. Some excuses can be masked with humor; but use caution. If humor is not appropriate, it will only antagonize your listener. When a reporter asked President Kennedy about a discrepancy between one set of figures and another given by his administration, he looked at the figures and explained most of the differences. When the reporter told him there was still a discrepancy of $4 billion, Kennedy asked him, "Do you want it to the penny?"
18. A plea for sympathy will often work as an excuse. Again, don't abuse it. Good excusionists are adept at providing the right "type" of excuse for the occasion. If you too often rely on sympathy, you'll find people avoiding you like door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses. No one enjoys the company of a chronic complainer or whiner.
19. If you use illness as an excuse, make it one that makes the other person feel uncomfortable with asking further questions. "I can't make it in today. I've got a stomach virus. I spent most of the night in the bathroom. Toilet paper is beginning to feel like aluminum foil." Women already have that type of excuse down to a science. They already know that if they say, "I've got female trouble," they don't even have to be specific. No man in a position of responsibility will ever ask them to explain.
20. Try out your excuse on yourself and see if you would believe it if it were used on you. For example, if a man told you that he buys Playboy magazine for the articles, you'd laugh at him and ask him to tell you about some of last month's articles. Yet just how many men actually try to use that excuse!
21. Some excuses may be blatant truths made under the pretense of sarcasm. For example, if your wife asks where you were for two hours, you may reply, "I've been at the Holiday Inn playing around with my secretary. Do you want the details?" (Mills believe that one is a poor example, since most wives would get upset at that one even if they didn't believe it.)
22. Be sure that your excuse has the results that you intend. For example, suppose you and your friends are out on the town, and you all end up at a popular dance club. You feel uncomfortable because you know before you get there that you dance like a hog on ice. Worse, you don't even like dancing. If a woman invites you to dance, do not say, "I don't know how." You'll immediately get a reply loud enough to wake Elvis, "IT'S EASY. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW!" You'll be the center of attention with dance instructors coming out of the woodwork. The best answer would be the truth: You don't like to dance, but you enjoy watching. Having said that, don't just sit there looking miserable. If you do, you won't be asked to join the group the next time they go out.
23. Avoid going on the defense. Instead, use a tactic that will keep your accuser off balance. Do you remember Senator John Tower, circa 1980's? We knew his nomination as U. S. Secretary of Defense was doomed when he pledged not to drink "beverage alcohol" if the Senate confirmed his nomination. That not only amounts to an admission of alcoholism, but that's the kind of promise you'd expect from someone who is such a problem drinker that his judgment is seriously impaired. Tower should have used his daughter's excuse. She said, "If my father had an alcohol problem, as much pressure and scrutiny as he has been under for the past three months, you would have seen him in a corner with a bottle in his hand."
24. Use an excuse that is appropriate for the situation. Don't overkill in a situation that isn't critical, and just as importantly, don't use a weak excuse in a serious situation. Rely on past experiences and common sense when developing excuses. You should know, in most situations, what excuse you can get away with using.
25. Vary your excuses. Women tend to be better excusionists than men because they follow this guideline. By contrast, once men light upon an excuse that seems to work, they keep falling back on the same excuse until it wears thin.
26. When it becomes inevitable for the truth to come out, don't make the situation worse by exposing yourself as a liar on top of being a louse.
19. If you use illness as an excuse, make it one that makes the other person feel uncomfortable with asking further questions. "I can't make it in today. I've got a stomach virus. I spent most of the night in the bathroom. Toilet paper is beginning to feel like aluminum foil." Women already have that type of excuse down to a science. They already know that if they say, "I've got female trouble," they don't even have to be specific. No man in a position of responsibility will ever ask them to explain.
20. Try out your excuse on yourself and see if you would believe it if it were used on you. For example, if a man told you that he buys Playboy magazine for the articles, you'd laugh at him and ask him to tell you about some of last month's articles. Yet just how many men actually try to use that excuse!
21. Some excuses may be blatant truths made under the pretense of sarcasm. For example, if your wife asks where you were for two hours, you may reply, "I've been at the Holiday Inn playing around with my secretary. Do you want the details?" (Mills believe that one is a poor example, since most wives would get upset at that one even if they didn't believe it.)
22. Be sure that your excuse has the results that you intend. For example, suppose you and your friends are out on the town, and you all end up at a popular dance club. You feel uncomfortable because you know before you get there that you dance like a hog on ice. Worse, you don't even like dancing. If a woman invites you to dance, do not say, "I don't know how." You'll immediately get a reply loud enough to wake Elvis, "IT'S EASY. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW!" You'll be the center of attention with dance instructors coming out of the woodwork. The best answer would be the truth: You don't like to dance, but you enjoy watching. Having said that, don't just sit there looking miserable. If you do, you won't be asked to join the group the next time they go out.
23. Avoid going on the defense. Instead, use a tactic that will keep your accuser off balance. Do you remember Senator John Tower, circa 1980's? We knew his nomination as U. S. Secretary of Defense was doomed when he pledged not to drink "beverage alcohol" if the Senate confirmed his nomination. That not only amounts to an admission of alcoholism, but that's the kind of promise you'd expect from someone who is such a problem drinker that his judgment is seriously impaired. Tower should have used his daughter's excuse. She said, "If my father had an alcohol problem, as much pressure and scrutiny as he has been under for the past three months, you would have seen him in a corner with a bottle in his hand."
24. Use an excuse that is appropriate for the situation. Don't overkill in a situation that isn't critical, and just as importantly, don't use a weak excuse in a serious situation. Rely on past experiences and common sense when developing excuses. You should know, in most situations, what excuse you can get away with using.
25. Vary your excuses. Women tend to be better excusionists than men because they follow this guideline. By contrast, once men light upon an excuse that seems to work, they keep falling back on the same excuse until it wears thin.
26. When it becomes inevitable for the truth to come out, don't make the situation worse by exposing yourself as a liar on top of being a louse.
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