Your Guide to Creative Self Justification
Dedication
We humbly dedicate World of Excuses to George Herbert Walker Bush, who managed to get himself elected President of the United States by claiming responsibility for everything that seemed to go right during the Reagan presidency, including the things that were entirely beyond his control; while claiming complete ignorance of every unpopular event within his areas of control during the twenty years preceding his landslide election.
Originally, we'd thought he had won by a landslide because Democrats were so eager to avoid the White House that they consistently nominated candidates that frighten the electorate into voting for Republicans. But only great excuses can keep a presidency humming along with an 80% approval rating even though no one can point to a single positive thing he had accomplished.
Richard Nixon proved that the American people would accept a king. Gerald Ford proved that anyone could grow up to be President. Jimmy Carter proved that we're sometimes better off without a President. Ronald Reagan proved that politics really is theater and that successful presidencies are more the result of successful performances than of any substantive accomplishments. George H. W. Bush proved that popular presidencies can be the result of good excuses.
While we can't verify the following quote, it sounds like something that George H. W. Bush might have said:
"By golly, this excuse thing is just what I'm talking about when I ramble on about the 1,000 point of light thing. Excuses allow us to all become a kinder and gentler nation because—now get this—the truth hurts like heck most of the time and may even get us into deep doo doo."
About Excuses
Let's set the record straight. Excuses are not necessarily lies, and they should not always be considered negative responses. A good excuse is probably one of the most underrated accomplishments in today's society.
Sure, many an indolent husband has perfected and even abused the art of making excuses, but excuses play an integral part in society. Our respective cultures place demands on all of us. We feel compelled to justify our inabilities or failures to meet all the obligations and duties required of us. If we can't do ten things at once, we feel we must provide a reason—which is often just a euphemism for "excuse."
In fact, the degree of advancement in civilization can be perfectly measured by the degree citizens rely on excuses. Excuses have become an important part of society from the town drunk all the way up to the President.
Excuses, if used correctly, will help you keep your job, influence people, save your marriage, get you out of uncomfortable situations, hang on to your money, have peace of mind, put off unpleasant chores, avoid losing friends, and give you more free time to do things you want to do. Not even Amway promises you that much.
What makes a good excuse?
Excuses are simple and easy to make. Good excuses require more skill, thought, and effort. An excuse must not only be believable, but it must have long-term credibility. An excuse that only temporarily gets you out of a situation is totally worthless. In fact, it will damage your future ability to make excuses and get away with them.
Let's set the record straight. Excuses are not necessarily lies, and they should not always be considered negative responses. A good excuse is probably one of the most underrated accomplishments in today's society.
Sure, many an indolent husband has perfected and even abused the art of making excuses, but excuses play an integral part in society. Our respective cultures place demands on all of us. We feel compelled to justify our inabilities or failures to meet all the obligations and duties required of us. If we can't do ten things at once, we feel we must provide a reason—which is often just a euphemism for "excuse."
In fact, the degree of advancement in civilization can be perfectly measured by the degree citizens rely on excuses. Excuses have become an important part of society from the town drunk all the way up to the President.
Excuses, if used correctly, will help you keep your job, influence people, save your marriage, get you out of uncomfortable situations, hang on to your money, have peace of mind, put off unpleasant chores, avoid losing friends, and give you more free time to do things you want to do. Not even Amway promises you that much.
What makes a good excuse?
Excuses are simple and easy to make. Good excuses require more skill, thought, and effort. An excuse must not only be believable, but it must have long-term credibility. An excuse that only temporarily gets you out of a situation is totally worthless. In fact, it will damage your future ability to make excuses and get away with them.
"A good excuse will never be recognized as an excuse."
Is it wrong to make excuses?
We've got news and a bit of advice for advice columnists: Honesty is not always the best policy, and being truthful does not always let you sleep at night feeling good about yourself. Being honest can often hurt feelings, ruin lives, and cause a lot of unnecessary pain. Being honest about everything will not add respect to your character. To the contrary, you'll probably called the jerk that you are. Remember, when dealing with people in the real world, a certain amount of social subterfuge is accepted and probably appreciated.
To how much trouble should you go in making excuses?
Just ask yourself, "What will happen if I don't make an excuse, and just lay my cards face up on the table?" The consequences of this question should dictate your concern in creating an excuse. Obviously, you should not go to extremes, making excuses in relatively innocuous situations. On the other hand, if your job, your marriage, your reputation, or your rear end depend on your response, then you owe it to yourself to conceal the truth, twist it all around, stand it on its head, or simply lie like a bed wetter. Go out there and make an excuse that will make your whole family proud of you.
If you believe that honesty always pays, it's no wonder that people laugh at you behind your back. You're too far gone to help. We bet you also believe...
...beauty is only skin deep.
...money can't buy happiness.
...the Lord really would have called Oral Roberts home if you hadn't paid the ransom.
...absence makes the heart grow fonder.
...all men are created equal. (Anyone who has showered after gym class knows otherwise.)
...political candidates, who have never created value in their lives, really do create jobs.
...men buy Playboy and Penthouse to read the articles.
...if you read a politicians lips, it isn't necessary to watch his hands.
Welcome to the World of Excuses. Don't let anyone catch you reading this blog. If you do, they'll be listening for an excuse every time you open your mouth.
Just ask yourself, "What will happen if I don't make an excuse, and just lay my cards face up on the table?" The consequences of this question should dictate your concern in creating an excuse. Obviously, you should not go to extremes, making excuses in relatively innocuous situations. On the other hand, if your job, your marriage, your reputation, or your rear end depend on your response, then you owe it to yourself to conceal the truth, twist it all around, stand it on its head, or simply lie like a bed wetter. Go out there and make an excuse that will make your whole family proud of you.
If you believe that honesty always pays, it's no wonder that people laugh at you behind your back. You're too far gone to help. We bet you also believe...
...beauty is only skin deep.
...money can't buy happiness.
...the Lord really would have called Oral Roberts home if you hadn't paid the ransom.
...absence makes the heart grow fonder.
...all men are created equal. (Anyone who has showered after gym class knows otherwise.)
...political candidates, who have never created value in their lives, really do create jobs.
...men buy Playboy and Penthouse to read the articles.
...if you read a politicians lips, it isn't necessary to watch his hands.
Welcome to the World of Excuses. Don't let anyone catch you reading this blog. If you do, they'll be listening for an excuse every time you open your mouth.
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